| 1. |
Batterers have a low
self-worth.
Who cares? It is
their problem and they want you to fix it. |
2.
|
Batterers have difficulty
trusting people.
And you can hear them
tell you so if you listen to their words. |
3.
|
Batterers have a belief
that emotional distress is caused by external factors.
They do not accept
responsibility for their own actions. |
4.
|
Batterers exhibit a lack
of ability to nurture others.
These people are NOT the
"wind beneath your wings."
|
5.
|
Batterers strive to be the
"perfect male."
In church work we have a
serious problem with this. Often, the batterer has risen in
church service to a leadership role--pastor, deacon, elder,
teacher--and, they are often supported in their battering by the
silence of those in church who should respond forcefully to the
batterer but do not because they donate substantial sums to the church
to buy silence. As a bi-vocational Pastor, I have refused to
remain silent and, although it has caused problems, I have never lost
sleep at night because I allowed a batterer think I approved of his
behavior. |
6.
|
Batterers fear loss of
control.
It only gets worse.
They will use any method of returning to a control relationship.
It usually happens like this. A battered woman will come to
the church and I will help her find and get into a "safe
house." The husband will come and ask where she is and I must
inform him that I cannot tell him that. He will then say that all
he wants to do is give her a check and I will ask him to write it
out and give it to me to give to her. He will not do it saying
he wants to give it to her. He will often threaten me to
get me to tell him where she is located. He will buy flowers to
take to her. He will send flowers to the church to be delivered
to her by an accomplice who admires him for being the "perfect
male." He will denounce me to members of the congregation,
administrators at the university where I teach or to neighbors in a
community where I live. I do not care. He is trying to get
to her to gain a control foothold. I know that and, now,
you do also. |
7.
|
Batterers are out of touch
with feelings other than anger.
You will rarely hear them
laugh at funny things. |
8.
|
Batterers are not
assertive and hold in emotions.
Until they get behind
closed doors with a spouse or in a car with a girlfriend. If a
boss jumps the batterer for something he will not respond to the boss,
he will wait and respond toward the victim who will try to figure out
what she did to cause the battering.
|
9.
|
Batterers appear to have
dual personalities.
Some pastors have been
lured into a sense of supporting the batterer because of the
batterers behavior in front of the pastor. I have known ministers
who have told the battered wife--who is usually a newly married woman
who has not learned that the battering is the goal of the husband, not
resolution of what he calls "his problem"---to return to their husband
and to try to do as the husband wishes. All that minister is
saying is, "Suffer the beatings like a good girl." Horse
feathers! The veil is being pulled away from batterers and more
and more men are realizing how they have been a tool of the batterer in
maintaining a life-style that deprives his wife (girlfriend,
fiancé) of the nobility of humanity.
|
10.
|
Batterers are often
extremely jealous and possessive.
You can spot this
characteristic during the courting time (I know it is an ancient term
but we need to bring it back into use). The batterer will say
something like this, "I love you so much, I just cannot stand seeing
you talk to another man (or boy)." Love does not have anything to
do with this type of controlling behavior. It is not love when
someone must control another person using statements like those. |
11.
|
Batterers are rigid.
It is their way or the
highway. Choose the highway while you still have time. |
12.
|
Batterers blame and are
not able to assume responsibility for their actions.
Listen to them! They will tell you they are a person who might be
a batterer by telling you who is to blame for all of the misery they
have suffered. The batterer must get the victim to agree
with him. The victim must be drawn into the control drama of the
batterer or the battering cannot take place with a goal of making it
happen over and over. |
13.
|
Batterers dislike and
avoid conflict.
If the battering has been
going on for some time, a confrontation might result in the death
of the victim. It happens every year, somewhere, to
someone. Batterers kill people. If the relationship has
just begun you might stand a better chance of getting out of it if you
respond to any hint of control as soon as it emerges. Be
careful. Also, for me, this is my greatest tool to exercise when
I simply inform the batterer that he is not talking to a hundred and
forty pound woman who never learned to fight. |
14.
|
Batterers are unable to
handle stress in constructive ways.
They are destructive and
they will destroy a victim with a strategy that is well known by many
of us with advanced degrees and employment activities bringing us into
contact with them. |
15.
|
Batterers are socially
isolated.
They do not want to go
anywhere they will be recognized for what they are: A Batterer.
They do not want to go to a church social where they cannot control the
victim. They will not allow the victim to remain in social
activities they cannot control. |
16.
|
Battering men come from
all ages, ethnic and educational backgrounds. Some are poor and
some are wealthy.
Re-read number
sixteen. Oh, go ahead, read it three times. |
17.
|
Batterers often have
conflicts with their spouse over parenting.
Usually the batterer will
contrive situations he can use to his advantage. "You never make
the kids mind me," WHAP! Or, "Why don't you let the kids
alone. They don't have to mind me all the time."
WHAP! Batterers are liars and nothing they say will result in a
situation where you are not beaten. It is the act of beating they
seek and they will find a way to justify it. If the victim ever
agrees to what they say, the victim is doomed. |
18.
|
Batterers are
traditionalists, believing in male supremacy and stereotypical male and
female sex roles.
|
19.
|
Batterers report a high
incidence of alcohol or drug abuse in their families of origin.
And they will say so if someone is listening. |
20.
|
Many batterers witnessed
violence between their parents or were victims of child abuse.
If they witnessed it they
will say so. If they were victims they will not. At least,
not until they need to use it to remain in control of the victim or to
try to take control of a courtroom. Judges already know this and
victims should learn it. The main point is this: So what? |
21.
|
Batterers often have
unrealistic expectations of marriage, believing it will provide
permanence and security. Batterers believe the
success of their marriage is the responsibility of their partner--if it
doesn't work, it's her fault.
Isn't it sad that many
girls and women actually believe the jerk. |
22.
|
Batterers respond with
less attention to relevant social cues.
They are dense.
They do not read the body language or verbal hints other people
drop. I have tried to be tactful in dealing with what I perceived
to be a batterer-victim relationship but I have discovered tact does
not work. So, forget the tact. I make sure men know that I
disapprove of battering. I intend to state my contempt for that type
of behavior from every forum given me. I have received
telephone calls from students, women in my church, pastor's wives, and
people I have never met, telling me that the battering either slowed,
stopped or that they have escaped. |
23.
|
Batterers over-attribute
hostile behavior to others.
They blame the football
game. They say their co-worker caused them to become so enraged
that they just snapped. They do everything they can do to ignore
this simple fact: They were the one who was hitting another human. |
24.
|
Batterers make up cues
that did not happen.
"You winked at that other
man."
"You know that look you
gave me drives me into a rage."
"You cooked the meat too
long."
"You didn't cook the meat
long enough."
|
